Undesirable Consequences
by TinkerKitty
Summary: A crack one-shot (drabble?) I thought of ten seconds before I started writing it, then proceeded to write in 15 minutes. Now that Eren is actually aware of his surroundings after a shift, he notices things he didn't before. Rated for language.


Disclaimer: I don't own Shingeki no Kyojin (Attack on Titans). If I did, more yaoi would be involved.

A/N: This is crack. I thought of it like, ten seconds ago. This is badly written, partly because I'm at work and just wanted to get it out asap, and partly because it's been ages since I wrote anything.

UNDESIRABLE CONSEQUENES

Now that Eren was used to shifting, he did not need to lay around half-conscious for days to recover. In fact, when he wasn't loosing limbs, it only took about five minutes to become aware of his surroundings.

After his most recent transformation, Eren fidgeted while attempting to listen to Hanji over his growling stomach. That's when he noticed it. Something felt off. He looked down. Something looked off.

"Er, may I be excused for a moment, please?" Eren asked.

Hanji didn't seem to hear him, but Levi gave him permission. After walking a bit into the forest and hiding behind a tree, Eren patted his crotch. _No. No no no no!_ He undid his belt and pants to confirm what he already knew. And proceeded to let out a very (un)manly yell.

Levi, Hanji, and the rest of the 104th trainee squad that was watching ran over. They found Eren kneeling on the ground, banging his head against a tree, repeating "no."

"Brat, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Levi asked as he kicked Eren in the side.

"It's gone. It's totally and completely gone…." Eren looked at his Captain with tears in his eyes.

"What the fuck are you on about now? And where's your pride?"

"It disappeared with my dick." Eren cried some more as he continued to beat his head against the tree.

The men cringed as the women blushed. Not even Jean could bring himself to laugh at Eren's misfortune. Sometimes you just have to sympathize, even if it's with your worst enemy.

Except Hanji. "This is fascinating! How do you feel? How does it feel? Do you think you're a girl now? Is there anything there, or just a bunch of nothing like your titan form?"

"I don't think this is a good time for questions, Hanji," Armin said softly. Eren was obviously under enough stress as it was, he didn't need to have unlimited questions shot at him.

"I believe now is a good time to go to your office, Hanji," Levi said. The middle of a forest with a group of brats is no place for this conversation. "Come on brat, get up." Eren just whimpered. "You're not dying. Now stand up and follow me."

"No. Just leave me here to die. My last request is that you don't tell anyone I died without a dick."

Levi kicked him again. "Stop be a drama queen, brat. Let's go." Eren didn't move. "That's an order."

Eren slowly got up and followed his superiors. The remaining trainees watched them go, mostly worried about Eren, but also vaguely curious about the situation.

* * *

Once the trio was alone in her office, Hanji started with the questions again. "So, how do you feel?"

Eren laid on her table and threw an arm over his eyes. "Horrible."

"How does your crotch feel?"

"Non-existent."

"Has this happened before?"

"I don't know, I'm usually too busy being unconscious to notice things like this."

"Do you feel like a girl?"

"I don't think so? I'm not sure how girls feel, so…."

"So there's nothing there? Like in your titan form?"

"Yep."

"Can I see?"

"I'd really rather you didn't."

"Too bad! Your pants are already undone anyways." Hanji pulled them down a little as Eren groaned. "Hey, you said nothing was there. I think it's growing back."

Eren shot up and looked for himself. "It's growing back? It's growing back! Oh thank god, I don't want to be a girl."

Levi, who was previously standing quietly in a corner, finally spoke up. "Well, if it's small enough to disappear just by shifting into a titan, than I'm sure it will be back to normal in no time."

"Bastard! I'm above average!"

"You shouldn't call your Captain names, brat. And that has yet to be seen."

"Just you wait 'til I'm back to normal!"

* * *

Eren hid in Hanji's office until he was sure he was a normal size again, which was about an hour. He walked into the dining hall with a big grin. Everyone was looking at him, so he gave the great news that it was back.

Jean scoffed. "Well that didn't take long. It must be pretty small."

The brunet wondered why people keep insisting that he has a small dick. "Bastard, why don't we cut yours off and see if it grown back."

"I'd like to see you try, idiot."

The two boys were standing face-to-face, obviously close to fighting. Levi held back a sigh. "No fighting. That's an order."

Jean and Eren leaned away from each other, before the blonde boy grinned. "How about a contest, then? Biggest dick gets the loser's dinner."

"You're on, horse-face!"

They were already unbuttoning their pants before Mikasa recovered from her shock and dragged Eren out of the room. As cute as she though Eren was when he wasn't talking, she did not want to see her brother's private parts.

(Jean took Eren's absence as a good reason to steal his food anyways.)


End file.
